The Setting Sun

“‘…What of love?’
‘When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.'” -Tyrion Lannister & Ser Loras Tyrell in A Storm of Swords By: George R.R. Martin

Around about last week something in my life shifted. It was something I actually felt, deep down inside me. But let me start at the beginning.

Since I was a little girl I always believed that life would follow a certain path set down by God. I would grow up, I would go to college, I would meet my husband, marry, have children, grandchildren, grow old with said husband and then peacefully die at an oldish age. As I got older I realized that finding a good husband was going to be challenging.

But I thought I HAD to find one. I got lucky and I did. But then he died. It violated the “plan” in so many ways. It didn’t make sense. I was mad for a minute  until I comforted myself with the thought that God would bring me another husband.

But it’s been three years and still there’s no husband on the horizon. For awhile I was desperately flailing trying to find someone to fit into this empty spot that was left in my life. Because I HAD to have a husband, that’s how the “plan” goes, right? That’s what a good girl is supposed to do, she’s supposed to find a good man to be her husband. What was I doing wrong?! I was following rules, I was doing things right, but no, nothing.

Finally I stopped trying so hard. I wondered why I just had to have a man in my life. I started to focus on me. I asked myself what would make me happy and I saw that a man wasn’t even in the top five. So I stopped thinking about it. I just stopped. I didn’t even look at matches on OkCupid. I just sort of forgot about it for awhile.

Then last week as I was going about trying to draw, I stopped and looked around. That’s when the shift occurred. I suddenly realized I didn’t care if never found someone again. And instead of feeling sad and hopeless, I felt happy. It was as if a weight was lifted off me.

Then a few days later I read the quote above in A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin. Even though it seems sad, I don’t really see it that way. I used to hate the saying that goes “better to have loved and lost then never loved at all.” But I think I understand it better now. I think the Storm of Swords quote is better, less optimistic sure, but more true to life.

I had a sun once. Instead of groping in the dark for a candle to replace it, I think I’ll just sit quietly in the dark. Besides, I have a bright reminder of the sun that I get to see everyday. So who needs a candle when I’ve got such a bright shining star?

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