Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Setting Sun

“‘…What of love?’
‘When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.'” -Tyrion Lannister & Ser Loras Tyrell in A Storm of Swords By: George R.R. Martin

Around about last week something in my life shifted. It was something I actually felt, deep down inside me. But let me start at the beginning.

Since I was a little girl I always believed that life would follow a certain path set down by God. I would grow up, I would go to college, I would meet my husband, marry, have children, grandchildren, grow old with said husband and then peacefully die at an oldish age. As I got older I realized that finding a good husband was going to be challenging.

But I thought I HAD to find one. I got lucky and I did. But then he died. It violated the “plan” in so many ways. It didn’t make sense. I was mad for a minute  until I comforted myself with the thought that God would bring me another husband.

But it’s been three years and still there’s no husband on the horizon. For awhile I was desperately flailing trying to find someone to fit into this empty spot that was left in my life. Because I HAD to have a husband, that’s how the “plan” goes, right? That’s what a good girl is supposed to do, she’s supposed to find a good man to be her husband. What was I doing wrong?! I was following rules, I was doing things right, but no, nothing.

Finally I stopped trying so hard. I wondered why I just had to have a man in my life. I started to focus on me. I asked myself what would make me happy and I saw that a man wasn’t even in the top five. So I stopped thinking about it. I just stopped. I didn’t even look at matches on OkCupid. I just sort of forgot about it for awhile.

Then last week as I was going about trying to draw, I stopped and looked around. That’s when the shift occurred. I suddenly realized I didn’t care if never found someone again. And instead of feeling sad and hopeless, I felt happy. It was as if a weight was lifted off me.

Then a few days later I read the quote above in A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin. Even though it seems sad, I don’t really see it that way. I used to hate the saying that goes “better to have loved and lost then never loved at all.” But I think I understand it better now. I think the Storm of Swords quote is better, less optimistic sure, but more true to life.

I had a sun once. Instead of groping in the dark for a candle to replace it, I think I’ll just sit quietly in the dark. Besides, I have a bright reminder of the sun that I get to see everyday. So who needs a candle when I’ve got such a bright shining star?

Online Dating Revisited

A couple of weeks ago a friend on Facebook posted a link to the “Nice Guys of OkCupid” tumblr (the blog has since been taken down). Since I’m on OkCupid I thought I’d take a peek. I read the whole thing. A few made me laugh, a lot made me cringe, but mostly it just made me sad. It obvious from the get go that “Nice Guys” was a sarcastic title. I sort of knew what to expect, but I wasn’t expecting a feeling of sadness.

I didn’t feel sad because these are my options for online dating. Besides I know there are good, decent guys out there. I felt sad for them. They honestly believe they are nice, gentle guys but the way they talk about women, and their answers to “match questions” proved they were not.

The thing that made me cringe the most were the men who complained about being “friendzoned.” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had that happen. It sucks when you like someone a lot to have them tell you they just want to be friends. But these men, or boys if we’re referring to their maturity level, were upset because they would spend a bunch of time and/or money on a girl and they weren’t getting laid.  So basically they felt they were owed sex and were mad when they didn’t get it. And then thought that writing it into their online dating profile would be a good way to woo a woman.

The thing is, there is so much more to dating someone besides how much time or money is spent on them. A person can be perfect on paper. You can have tons of shared interests, have great conversation and have a good time together but sometimes the feeling that attracts you to someone in a romantical way is just not there. There’s not a whole lot anyone can do about that.

It takes more than being a nice guy. It takes more than time spent. It takes more than gifts bought. If you truly are a nice guy you’d see that and not expect these women who aren’t interested in you to sleep with you. Sex is never an obligation, never. And if you think it is you’re a jerk.

High School Me

This week has been weird for me. Last Saturday I went to my birthday party, which was ’90’s themed. Basically I wore what I did every day in high school. That gave me sort of a weird feeling by itself.

To continue the feeling of weirdness I delved into my diary from high school. It. Was. Excruciating. Seriously, so awful. Not only am I astounded at my sentence structure, grammar and the fact that I actually called boys “fine,” but I see my parents were right; I was a total dumb-ass in high school.

One could make the argument that most of us were dumb-asses in  high school. That is probably true, however, it’s difficult to see others douchery when yours is being shoved in your face. I know, I know, I did it to myself. It was my fault for reading it to begin with, but I had a good reason.

Every Boy!

I have a crush on EVERY BOY!
Seriously, shut up.

The thing I hate most about my diary is the fact that in each entry I talk about a crush I have on a new boy. I might stay consistent with one boy for awhile, but inevitably a new one crops up. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much. Maybe it’s because I pride myself on being such a loyal and loving person. I never made such claims in high school but I do now. My attitude towards the opposite sex now is so different from what it was in high school.

I’m so glad that with time we (usually) grow out of stupid phases like that. It’s a relief to realize that I have changed a lot since then and I know that I can never go back to being that selfish again. The reasons I give for breaking up with boys, or developing a new crush are ridiculous and make no sense. I’m glad that when I look back I don’t think about how much I can still relate. I look back and wonder, what the hell was I thinking?! Which actually makes me feel pretty good about the woman I’ve become.

Really?!

Awww, fuzzy bunnies, it’s Friday again and I have nothing to say. How about a couple lists.

This week I:

1. Had dinner with my loverly friend Cassie.

2. Played lots of Legos with Jack. We’ve been playing Star Wars of the Caribbean.

Here's how that works.

Here’s how that works.

3. Walked to the park with Jack even though it was freezing outside.

This years resolutions:

1. Continue working out three times a week. So far, so crappy.

2. Learn to draw.

Hopefully next week I’ll finally fall into a routine where I actually get some writing done, but we’ll see.