Truths for this Week

Look how cheesy my title is, I love it.

I’ll be honest, I’ve really been struggling for a post this week. So I guarantee this post will be scattered, flying off in different directions, ending God knows where. My mind has been racing since I got home from California. I get these ideas for great posts, but when I sit down to write they all slip away.

Or I’ll start writing and it will get too deep; too personal for me to put on the internets. I’ve been…struggling with stuff lately. Lots of stuff that probably definitely has to do with being romantically alone, which makes me want to barf. Seriously, I’ve always been boy crazy. I appreciate the male of the species very much, but it’s never been such an issue for me. I don’t want to be alone, but who does? It’s not a terribly original feeling is it? (That’s not to say I’d settle for any Tom, Dick or Harry that came along, I’ve got standards…also I’m shallow.)

It’s gotten to the point now where I feel like I’m just waiting around for my life to happen. But if I actively try to find someone to date it’s as if I’m forcing it. A friend told me to be patient with myself, but I don’t know how without that feeling of waiting creeping up on me.

And excuse me? Wasn’t I patient all through college? Sure I longed for a boyfriend but did a great job of just letting shit go, since boys at SPU were impossible to date. I was patient and just as I was finally feeling like I could take on the world by myself, my soon to be hubby snapped into action.

I’ve also got this feeling of general restlessness, that was momentarily quenched thanks to my foray on the road. I guess I need to do something besides wait. Something more than being a mom and a writer.

I feel really tied down, what with a two year old in tow and family wanting me close. I like being close to my family, but it’s difficult to dream up an adventure while you have those voices in your head. It’s even hard to imagine doing the stuff Jordan and I were cooking up right before he died. I can’t imagine living on the road for a year, taking off to New York to write a novel, sailing around the world, even going to England next year for vacation seems crazy. Right now nothing seems possible for me. Which is fucking depressing.

I am an adventurous person, I want to experience the world. I want Jack to come along and see it too. I want to fucking DO something, FEEL something but I don’t know HOW to make it happen and it’s making me a crazy person.

So what do I do? What can I do that won’t bankrupt Jack’s college fund and force us to live in a box downtown?


3 responses to “Truths for this Week

  1. First off, I have to say the line “…also I’m shallow” made me laugh out loud. I got called that recently. Eh, I didn’t argue the point. Might as well be upfront about it.
    At various points in my life, I’ve felt like I was essentially waiting around for life to happen to me. Everything was a future plan, a later idea, something to think about in the nebulous future while going through the motions with a job I didn’t like. I felt like I was stuck and not really going anywhere and also not doing anything about it other than wanting something more.
    I suck at advice, which is why I never give it. Much. Except about cupcakes and things. Anyway, I don’t have anything good or constructive to say, despite trying for the better part of thirty minutes to think of something inspiring and powerful that solved your conundrum and made everything better and made me look like a life-guru who could inspire and empower everyone. I guess there is a reason I went into accounting, because no one ever received a great rah-rah speech from an accountant.
    I do feel this, though, very strongly: Fucking do something, something that you want to do, something that won’t bankrupt Jack’s college fund and leave you homeless. What is that? I don’t know, but I think maybe you do. Maybe its something simple, maybe it’s the kind of thing that most people would think is insane – it doesn’t matter. The people that love you will support you no matter what, and the people that don’t, well, who needs them, anyway? I’d rather be considered insane and shallow and happy than stable and solid and depressed. Which is good, because I am apparently considered both shallow and crazy, but I’m happy, so whatever.
    I have one mantra that I try to stick to: “It’s the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t fuck it up.” Trite? Sure, but the “don’t fuck it up” part is the one that means most to me. It’s a helpful reminder that it’s on me. My happiness is my responsibility, and if I fuck it up, it’s my fault.
    I hope you find the thing you want to do.

    • Thanks for the pep talk. 🙂 I do need to do something, I’m just not sure yet, but if I keep trying things out something is bound to click. It’s just getting there that sucks.

      • Alan Edwards

        Yeah, the getting there thing can be a real pain in the ass. Most of the time, people who say “the journey is the whole part of any trip” need to be punched in the face. Metaphorically. Or physically. Whatever you can get away with.

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