Many of you may have heard my commune idea. Well really it was an idea that both Jordan and I came up with. We thought of all the lovely things we’d like to have, awesome cable, video game consoles, a trampoline, a pool, a boat, a pool table, a library of books, you know things like that. Of course to have that sort of lifestyle you have to be wealthy and we most certainly were not. So we thought about how we could achieve this. We came up with the commune idea.
The basic concept is to get a bunch of friends together, and by a bunch we don’t mean like five, we mean a lot, maybe between ten and twenty. Find a neighborhood that has a block or in a perfect world a cul-de-sac of houses for sale and buy them all. At each house there would be a sort of theme. One house would have sweet cable, with access to any show you’d want. Another would have all the video games, another a trampoline, another a pool and so on. You could even go so far as to have one house with the most epic kitchen where you could go have dinner on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. Of course the logistics of bills and things would have to be ironed out, we didn’t get that far in the planning.
The best part of this is it would be very tough to get lonely. Not only would you have house mates but you’d also know and love all your neighbors, which is so rare these days. The longer I live alone the more appealing this sounds. A lot of people know I’ve been sort of lonely lately.
It’s strange because it’s been two years since Jordan died and I’m still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I’m by myself almost all the time. I do what I can to get out of the house. I try to make plans with fellow moms and with friends, but the majority of my time is spent alone. It’s not as if I want to go out and party every night, I don’t. I enjoy quiet nights at home. I like TV and movies. I like knitting. The thing is, I guess I’m still not used to doing it all alone. If there’s a twist in the show I’m watching or an especially cool bit of special effects I find myself looking over at Violet and saying, “Whoa! Did you see that?!” And then I feel like a crazy cat lady talking to her cat who was obviously sleeping so did not see the sweet thing that happened on the TV.
There also seems to be a large lack of men in my life. I’m not talking about romantically, although that is lacking (read non existent), I mean in general. Before I came to Seattle I had a good handful of guy friends. I hung out with guys a lot. I, of course, had a few really close girlfriends, but the main core of my friends was guys.
That all changed when I arrived at SPU. The guys at SPU seemed terrified of being friends. It took me about a month to figure out what was going on. The guys were afraid of getting roped into a relationship. There was a whole “ring by spring,” “get your MRS. degree” thing at SPU. Even if you told a guy you only wanted to be friends they sure kept their distance. As a result I have very few male friends here in the great Northwest.
What’s worse is I’m not even sure I know how to be a friends with guys anymore. I used to be able to sit in their midst, listen to them be absurd and even joined in the absurdity quite often. But now I sit with a group of guys and wonder what the hell I should say and half the time I think they’re wondering what I’m doing among them.
It actually bums me out how we so often separate ourselves by sex. This happens especially at church events and especially among the married couples. Honestly sometimes I don’t want to talk about my kid, poop, working out and eating fucking chocolate while delicately sipping martini’s. Sometimes I wanna open a beer and be one of the guys, playing pool, throwing darts and talking about whatever shit guys talk about. See I don’t even know what the hell guys talk about anymore!
But now all the guys I know are married, engaged or taken in some other way. Seems to me even if I lived in the commune I still wouldn’t get the male interaction I’m looking for. So I guess I’m doomed. Doomed to talk forever about things I only care to talk about half the time.