I’ve heard a few people tell their stories of God calling them. Usually it’s not a big spectacle, they are just certain that they hear God calling them to this, that or the other thing. I’m not saying they didn’t hear it, it’s just something I’ve never understood and I’ll tell you why. I haven’t told this to a soul, so why don’t I just spill my spiritual guts here on the Internet. I can’t recall any time when I was absolutely certain that whatever I was choosing to do with my life was God calling me.
I have been a Christian my entire life. When I say “Christian” I mean that I believe in God, that Jesus was his son and died for my sins and I go to church. Once I got old enough I had questions and doubts, but I never lost my faith. I did rebel in High School and made a few poor choices, but I believe that was based on my lack of confidence in who I was.
The closest I ever came to loosing my faith and walking away from God was when Jordan died. Here I was following all the “rules,” and yet my husband was taken from me. I was left with a six month old son to raise on my own. Although I believe myself to be a strong person I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to survive on my own. I needed God, no matter how angry I was, I needed my faith.
To be clear, I haven’t been floating around aimlessly, doing nothing. I have had “feelings.” I knew from a young age I wanted to be a writer. I knew I was going to marry Jordan by our second real date. I knew I wanted to be the mother of his children. So I thought I was following God’s calling on my life even though I was never really sure I heard him say “be a writer, be a wife, be a mom.”
The thing is I also “knew” I wouldn’t be a widow at 29. I “knew” that Jack would have at least one more sibling (or three according to Jordan) and that those children would have an amazing, Godly man for a father.
So how could I have been so wrong about everything? Did I get the “calling” wrong, was I not listening in the least? Did I just do whatever I wanted and still have yet to find my calling? And if it was my calling to be a single widowed mom…what the hell kind of deal is that? How do you know it’s God calling you and not your own selfish plans or desires?