1. Jack- he makes me smile at least once a day.
2. Sunshine- I can’t be bummed if it’s beautiful enough to sit outside and be warm.
3. A house with a yard- Then I could actually sit outside while Jack runs around and wears himself out.
4. A date- Not a boyfriend. Just a casual date.
I know that happiness should come from your heart or whatever. It shouldn’t come from money or houses or material things and generally it doesn’t for me. I’m not sitting around lamenting my life all the time. I try hard to be a positive, encouraging and uplifting person, even for myself. But this living situation is really getting to me. I try to be ok with the fact that I can hear the guys next door as they play video games, because they absolutely have to use their goddamned surround sound, but I can’t. I was not made for apartment living. So it’s difficult to be excited about going home when it’s a source of frustration.
I understand that even if I get the things I want, I know life is not suddenly going to be all butterflies and rainbows. I’ll still get sad, and that’s alright. I’ll still have some problems. I’ll still have a two year old, who just figured out that he can climb out of bed and play, instead of nap. It would just be nice to not dread going home, wondering if I’m going to have to fall asleep listening to a bass beat. It would be awesome to look forward to the evening not because I’ll get to knit without tiny fingers trying to help, but because I get to spend the evening with a boy at the movies or something.
I think what I wish most is that I could separate the feelings of others from my feelings to see what I really want. Do I really want to move out of state or do I really want to stay here? That is the big question of the month for me. Should I stay or should I go?