Anger Issues

Going about my business today I realized it was Friday. My actual thought was ‘Holy crow! It’s Friday and I haven’t written a post yet!’ So I began to ponder my life, which seems to be something I’ve been doing a lot lately. I started to think about anger, mostly because my son happened to be screaming in frustration from the backseat. I said to him, “I’m sorry you’re frustrated. I know how that feels.”

After I said that I started to think about it more. I tend to be a very emotional person. It’s true that I have a bit of a temper. I’m not one for holding grudges, but I sometimes do. The more I thought about anger and how that plays into the grief process the more I realized, I’m still really angry at God.

It’s not as bad as it was. It’s not as if I’m walking through my days blinded by rage, but there’s hollow place in my heart and I’m mad about it. I think the thing that makes me so angry is I followed all the rules. I found a good husband, I even saved myself for him. We got married and had a kid. Jordan even went into the ministry and was serving God in amazing ways, reaching so many kids and changing lives. So it makes no sense that he would take him away. I did every thing right and this is what I get?

It’s hard not to hold a grudge when something like that happens. It makes you question your whole way of life. It makes you wonder what the point of it all is. But it also made me take a good hard look at my life. I know there were things Jordan wanted to to that he never got the chance to achieve. That has made me aware of the fact that most of my life I’ve been sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. I’m beginning to realize if I want something to change I have to be the one to do it. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really been on my mind as I think about moving, writing and raising my son.

I’m trying to be aware of my anger as I think about those things though. I’m trying to make the right choices without making them out of anger or spite. I believe I’ve been doing a good job of that. I truly believe that even though I am an emotional person, I can still make good decisions. And I am working on my anger issues, just so no one worries.

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5 responses to “Anger Issues

  1. Hi Staci: I am twice your age and lost my husband of 25 yrs in a shocking manner as you lost yours. It SUCkS plain and simple.mine was extremely spiritual and i love him so much still! in a few days it will be 11 years and while i am ok fine-i still understand every word you wrote. at times i still get angry very angry at God. you are not alone in the grief process. while i use my pain to help others if i can if God puts the right words in my mouth-as God is the one i could lean on to heal and understand me and all the feelings i had and occasionally still have-i know i will never know His reason there is 1. when i am working hard to go forward i am working on my anger also but much less often. i also know God left me here for His own good reason. so mainly grief gets better not sure it is ever completely gone.so grieve all u need yet know that you are strong and the same God we get mad at is also leading you to a new man or a new healthy happy place. your dreams desires will all come to you in time. you have been keeping a social life raising ur son and staying true to yourself and God so hang in there! it’s not fun at all but grief is very individual to each person and even the anger-the longest part of grief-does pass-it just rarely pokes it’s head out here and there. I have faith in God in you and even the grief process as you will 1 day have true happiness again!! seems i am rambaling so i will say you are in my prayers and know all these emotions are valid and you are ok so i won’t worry i will wish you all the blessings God has in store for you on a day you don’t see now but He will wrap you up in blessings as you heal and in the future plans He has just for you!! even in anger God is putting your dreams together!!

  2. P.S. forgot to tell you i also believe you can and are and will make proper changddes in your life even if angry as you are being a strong adult in your life. also i understand waiting for life to happen to you and realizing only you can make the changes you need to make. that i will also pray for as for me that is the hardest to make-a new life for you and your son. i work on that part alot. so good luck there and God Bless both of you.I pray my last post was honest but encouraging rather than depressing. take good care Staci. you CAN DO IT!! ANGER AT TIMES IS A GOOD MOTIVATOR-GODS MOTIVATOR.

  3. To sum up my feelings and thoughts after reading this post, I will say simply that I am very, very proud of you, Staci. I think of you daily, and I love you, beautiful.

  4. I just read a beautifull story on I’m proud to be a Christian by Aaron Chavez.it quoted Nahum 1:15 and then went to a beautifull story about child cancer and a mom asking God where u when my son needed u.if u can find it-read it.the ending had the child writing to his mom from Gods lap. saying I was right there with ur son as i was with my Son on the cross. gave me comfort along with perspective as to our husbands. i just hope u can read it as a husband loss not the childs.warmed my heart.pray it does yours. beautiful. all my love Staci!

  5. I just finished a really good book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. It’s a great book for putting life into perspective and evaluating what God has next for your life. He also has some videos that go along with each chapter. Here is the website: http://crazylovebook.com/
    It’s a pretty challenging and convicting book, so when you’re ready, it’s a good one.
    I pray for you and Jack every time I think of you (which is often)!
    Love you bunches, Staci 🙂

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