After I said that I started to think about it more. I tend to be a very emotional person. It’s true that I have a bit of a temper. I’m not one for holding grudges, but I sometimes do. The more I thought about anger and how that plays into the grief process the more I realized, I’m still really angry at God.
It’s not as bad as it was. It’s not as if I’m walking through my days blinded by rage, but there’s hollow place in my heart and I’m mad about it. I think the thing that makes me so angry is I followed all the rules. I found a good husband, I even saved myself for him. We got married and had a kid. Jordan even went into the ministry and was serving God in amazing ways, reaching so many kids and changing lives. So it makes no sense that he would take him away. I did every thing right and this is what I get?
It’s hard not to hold a grudge when something like that happens. It makes you question your whole way of life. It makes you wonder what the point of it all is. But it also made me take a good hard look at my life. I know there were things Jordan wanted to to that he never got the chance to achieve. That has made me aware of the fact that most of my life I’ve been sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. I’m beginning to realize if I want something to change I have to be the one to do it. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really been on my mind as I think about moving, writing and raising my son.
I’m trying to be aware of my anger as I think about those things though. I’m trying to make the right choices without making them out of anger or spite. I believe I’ve been doing a good job of that. I truly believe that even though I am an emotional person, I can still make good decisions. And I am working on my anger issues, just so no one worries.