Someone once told me they believed that there wasn’t just one person for everyone. They proposed that there are several people that we are able to connect well with. If that’s the case then what’s to stop us from dating all our “ones” and finding the best “one”? If you do that and find the best “one” doesn’t it follow that you have THE one? If yes, then the whole argument is moot because it goes back around to there being one person that you’re meant to be with.
So say you’re like me. You found the love of your life in college and married that person. They are the “one.” You are madly in love and have a child together, but he’s suddenly and inexplicably taken from your life. Is it like Buffy the Vampire Slayer in that, once the “one” dies a new “one” is ready to take the place? If you believe in the “one” how will you get past the fact that the person meant for you died?
People have told me that God and/or Jordan is up in Heaven right now, carefully selecting my next husband. (I apologize if you’ve actually said this to me; I don’t remember specifically who said it, but I’ve heard it.) I wish they would stop saying it though, because maybe they’re not. Maybe I’ve had my husband and that’s it. Maybe I don’t get to have more babies; maybe Jack is it. If that’s true, would it be so bad?
I’ve always like men; they’re generally warm, strong and reassuring. But I’m beginning to take a serious look at my life; the woman I was, the woman I want to be, the mom I want to be. It seems that since January 2010 I’ve been sitting around waiting for the next guy to come along even though I believed that Jordan was my “one.” I’ve believed my whole life that there was just one man for me and when I found him I would marry him and we’d grow old together. Am I so desperate for a man to take care of me that I’d throw that belief out the window? And even if I believe there is another man out there for me, why am I just sitting around doing nothing, waiting for him to come scoop me up?
I’m not a withering violet, I don’t want to be that girl. I want people to be attracted to my vim and vigor. I want other people to look at me and think “there is a strong woman.” I know some folks think that now, but why? Just because I didn’t throw myself off a building when Jordan died? Because I’m raising a son on my own? A lot of women do that and then some. So why am I not grabbing the “and then some” by the scrotum and taking charge of my life?
This seems to have gone off course, but then again maybe not. I’ve often used my relationship status as a gauge for how successful my life is. In 2009 I was at the height of my power, (or so I thought) with a husband and a son; a bonafide family. But what did I have when an integral part of that power structure was taken away? I crumbled, everything fell apart.
So I think what I need to focus on is not who my next husband will be, or how many more children I’ll have, but what I will be doing with my life and how that will shape Jack’s life. Perhaps that is what God and/or Jordan have been trying to guide me to; not my next husband, but how to be alone and still be happy.
If I am not meant to get married again and have more children I will mourn that, of course. I loved being a wife, and I love being a mom. But I need to be comfortable with myself and find success on my own. Not through who I’m married to or what my children are doing.