The Mourning Dove Calls

As I barrel up I-5 heading back to Seattle I have a hard time fighting the urge to push the speedometer past 70. I’m sure the cars behind me are irritated as I waver between 65 and 70. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket before and I don’t want to start now.
I can hear my kiddo in the backseat. The road is bumpy and he likes the way his voice bounces along with the road. He stops his monotone note every now and then to laugh. I laugh with him. I’m feeling good and have been for the past week. But the closer I get to Seattle the more anxious I become.

I cast around in my head looking for a soothing sound or memory to chase away the tension. I think of the mourning dove’s coo. Some people think they’re just fancier pigeons. Maybe they are, but they are beautiful and I can’t help but love them. The sound they make always reminds of the desert no matter where they are. When I hear their coo, I recall the smell of creosote bushes and the dust of the desert that was washed away by rain and snow.

I think again of the friends left behind in California and wonder when I’ll be back again. Then I remember the wedding in August and feel a burst of warmth in my chest. I’m cut off by a Lexus that immediately slows down in front of me. I don’t care, I’m in no rush.

What happened? I used to love where I live. Seattle! That’s how it used to be for me, a gorgeous city full of possibilities and friends. The friends are still here, but what’s happened to me? When I left for this trip to California I was so unhappy. I blamed it on the break up but is that it? Once we crossed the state line into Dorris, California I felt a certain tension melt away. Was it vacation euphoria or was it leaving the Northwest?

Since then I’ve been thinking about where I live and why I live here. It’s comfortable. I know the city pretty well, I have lots of friends, I’ve got a good support system here. But there’s also emotional devastation. I’m constantly reminded of Jordan here. Everywhere I go is a place Jordan and I had been together. My favorite places have a melancholy tone, because everywhere I go there he is. That’s not to say I don’t ever want to think of him again. But honestly, everywhere I look, everywhere. Perhaps that is partly what is holding me here. The worry that if I move, I’ll forget him. I’ll forget to tell my child about his father. I don’t want to forget but I can’t always be awash in memories of him.

So what do I do? I’ll let you all in on a little secret; I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy all the time. Obviously if I moved I would not be pleasing all my friends here. So that holds me here. Also holding me a little is my parents and Jordan’s parents. I don’t want to move so far that they never get to see their grandson. And then there’s my sissy. Not only is she awesome, she’s also my best friend. I don’t know if I could live hundreds of miles away from her.

Here’s another secret; I’m a huge ‘fraidy cat. I give in to my fear a lot. I’ve let it dictate a lot of my life. Moving is scary, especially moving somewhere far away. I’m not a huge extrovert so I don’t make friends easily. I’m not some sort of social pariah but, I am a tad shy around new people. If I can’t make new friends then the kiddo won’t have any friends either. So with all these thoughts and fears swirling around in my head I can’t tell if moving is the right thing to do. I’m trying to keep a clear head and look at things logically, but we all know how very logical I am.


6 responses to “The Mourning Dove Calls

  1. Melodee Miller

    Staci- We would all miss you if you moved away! But, I’ll be praying for you for clear direction and guidance.
    Love you!

  2. This post made me think about how sad I would be without you in my life… you’ve been such a great friend to me. It makes me miss you. Let’s hang out when you get back.

  3. I actually know how it feels to find that some place doesn’t feel like home anymore, but for totally different reasons. If I could, I’d give you a big hug:)

    You deserve to be happy!

  4. such an honest post, staci … i’m asking the Lord to give you the clarity you need to follow where He leads (or keeps) you. 🙂 i know you’ll know when it’s time to know, and everyone who loves you will be ok then, too. hugs to you.

  5. Yes, we’d be sad and miss you both terribly, BUT. But if moving would make you happier on a daily basis, then it’s worth a thought. You and Jordan were all about adventure-I’d hate for you to stop seeking one now. Not that I want you to move at all, but don’t stay to make only your friends happy. (andwewillalljustfollowyoutocaliforniaanyway).

  6. Good post Stater. I feel the same way about you being so far away. I love you.

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