I cast around in my head looking for a soothing sound or memory to chase away the tension. I think of the mourning dove’s coo. Some people think they’re just fancier pigeons. Maybe they are, but they are beautiful and I can’t help but love them. The sound they make always reminds of the desert no matter where they are. When I hear their coo, I recall the smell of creosote bushes and the dust of the desert that was washed away by rain and snow.
I think again of the friends left behind in California and wonder when I’ll be back again. Then I remember the wedding in August and feel a burst of warmth in my chest. I’m cut off by a Lexus that immediately slows down in front of me. I don’t care, I’m in no rush.
What happened? I used to love where I live. Seattle! That’s how it used to be for me, a gorgeous city full of possibilities and friends. The friends are still here, but what’s happened to me? When I left for this trip to California I was so unhappy. I blamed it on the break up but is that it? Once we crossed the state line into Dorris, California I felt a certain tension melt away. Was it vacation euphoria or was it leaving the Northwest?
Since then I’ve been thinking about where I live and why I live here. It’s comfortable. I know the city pretty well, I have lots of friends, I’ve got a good support system here. But there’s also emotional devastation. I’m constantly reminded of Jordan here. Everywhere I go is a place Jordan and I had been together. My favorite places have a melancholy tone, because everywhere I go there he is. That’s not to say I don’t ever want to think of him again. But honestly, everywhere I look, everywhere. Perhaps that is partly what is holding me here. The worry that if I move, I’ll forget him. I’ll forget to tell my child about his father. I don’t want to forget but I can’t always be awash in memories of him.
So what do I do? I’ll let you all in on a little secret; I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy all the time. Obviously if I moved I would not be pleasing all my friends here. So that holds me here. Also holding me a little is my parents and Jordan’s parents. I don’t want to move so far that they never get to see their grandson. And then there’s my sissy. Not only is she awesome, she’s also my best friend. I don’t know if I could live hundreds of miles away from her.
Here’s another secret; I’m a huge ‘fraidy cat. I give in to my fear a lot. I’ve let it dictate a lot of my life. Moving is scary, especially moving somewhere far away. I’m not a huge extrovert so I don’t make friends easily. I’m not some sort of social pariah but, I am a tad shy around new people. If I can’t make new friends then the kiddo won’t have any friends either. So with all these thoughts and fears swirling around in my head I can’t tell if moving is the right thing to do. I’m trying to keep a clear head and look at things logically, but we all know how very logical I am.