Monthly Archives: January 2011

Being Insecure

When I was dating/married to Jordan I knew there was nothing in the world that would make him leave me. I was a catch; attractive, smart, slightly athletic and funny. What’s not to love right? I felt very secure in that relationship. Since I’m not so terribly different now you would think that trend would continue as I start dating again, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I like my bf a lot, I’d even go so far as to say I love the guy and perhaps that’s my problem. While I’m still the same great woman I was before, the difference is there’s so much more to me, and it’s not all seemingly positive. At least in terms of relationships.

This whole business of being insecure is really irritating to me. I fancy myself a strong, independent woman. I managed to drag myself through last year with it’s many, many downturns and I think I’ve come out on top. So it really irks me that I finally found someone worth falling for and I go all damsel in distress. I’m actually quite disgusted with myself.

It’s as if I have two personalities. The one who’s a smart single mother. Super single mom! Taking on each day in a single bound, doing the grocery shopping, managing finances, writing when there’s time and raising a son! There’s nothing I can’t take on, there’s no problem too big that I can’t make a few calls and solve it. Then there’s this other personality. The shrinking violet personality, who can’t handle anything herself. She falls apart easily. Her negative voice carries and gets stuck in my head. All of her sentences start with ‘but.’
“But you’re a widow.”
“But you have a child.”
“But you’re so old.” (Which is also a quote from a movie, if you can tell me what movie I’ll be impressed.)
Who is this Negative Nancy and where did she come from?!

Here’s the thing, my bf is awesome. He is ridiculously smart, quite handsome, he has a great job and is a generally stable person. Anyone would be lucky to have him, it just so happens he likes me. I can’t help but worry though, that someone similar to me might come along. I fear there may be a Staci doppelganger out there who is also attractive, smart, slightly athletic and funny who will steal him away with shiny facts. Facts like not being four years older, not having a child and not being a widow.

So how do I get over this? I suppose it’s not that simple. It’s not as simple as bf telling me he loves me, not some better woman I made up in my head to be afraid of. It’s something I have to give up to God; let him take it and eventually rub out the “better woman” until I can finally see that the better woman for bf is me. So if you’re the praying type, and I happen to make it into your prayers would you pray that I stop being so insecure? Not just for my sake but for the sake of my poor bf.

Watching Anime

Last night I was supposed to go to an anime night at a friends house. (We’re watching Bleach, in case anyone was wondering.) Those plans changed when the kiddo barfed halfway through dinner. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about watching anime. What’s funny about me watching anime is that this is a fairly new development in my life.

For a long time I was unfamiliar with anime. The only points of reference I had for it was Dragon Ball Z and Pokemon both of which were unimpressive, even slightly annoying to me. So why would I ever give it a chance again you may ask? The short answer is my friends. I truly have some of the best friends on the planet. I’m sure most people think that about their buddies, but I’m certain I really, really do have the bestest friends out there. What happened was I met Jordan and we got married, which is awesome. Except with marriage came a certain cutting off for me. So in an effort to hang out with my friends more, I started attending anime nights. Thus began my love of anime. Not only did these special nights mean I got to drink beer and hang out with friends, they also meant watching Death Note; arguably one of the best animes EVER. I’m serious, I’m watching it again with bf and it’s so wonderful.

A funny thing happened after I finished Death Note. I realized not all anime was totally lame. In fact some of it was beautifully drawn, had compelling story lines and deep characters. Shock and awe!

It makes me happy when my friends can reintroduce me to something I thought I had figured out. Thanks guys!

Worse Comes to Worst

I am a worst case scenario person. By that I mean, I always assume that bad things happen before good things. A good example would be the time Jordan was going to climb Mount Si all by himself. He had been training with a group to climb Mount Rainer and had climbed Mount Si a number of times with said group. He felt confident that he could scale it himself with no problems and assured me that if anything at all seemed amiss he would immediately head down the mountain. He left very early in the morning so he could be to work by 9am, so I don’t even remember him leaving.

At about 9:30am just as I was getting out of the shower I heard my phone ring in the bedroom. I ignored it since I was dripping wet. As I combed my hair and got out my blow dryer I started wondered who would call me. I get very few phone calls, and seldom did I get them in the morning. As I dried my hair I convinced myself that it was the police or hospital calling to tell me Jordan had fallen off the mountain and died. When I finally did check the message it was Jordan, telling me he’d gotten to the top and was now safely in the office. I felt a little foolish, but upon reflection realized that’s how I’d always been. I suppose my logic is if I prepare for the worst than the good seems all that much better!

As some of you may know, I’ve got a boyfriend. I’m pretty sprung on this new bf. He’s very sweet, charming and devilishly handsome, so naturally I’m wondering what the crap he’s doing with me, a used up, old widow/single mother. I bring this up because for the first month or so bf and I were dating I would get extremely anxious anytime he called or came over. I thought perhaps I was nervous about him coming over because I liked him so much and was worried about making an ass of myself. But no, I feel very comfortable around him, I can talk with him about nearly anything without feeling like a fool. So that couldn’t be it. I realized that the problem was my “worst case scenario” issue. I was worried every time I saw his name pop up on my phone or his face at my door because I had myself convinced that he was coming or calling to break up with me. Is this neurotic and weird, to be sure, it is! He gave no indication that he had any intention of breaking up. It’s not as if he called and said “we really need to talk.” Which usually means trouble.

I have to wonder if this outlook on life makes me a pessimist. I admit I’ve never been the most positive thinking person, but I have never thought of myself as a Debbie Downer. I do try to see the optimistic side of things. I try to acknowledge that the glass is half full. But if I’m constantly assuming the worst in situations then wouldn’t that make me a pessimist? I hope not, life would be so gloomy as a pessimist.

The Month I Ran Away

This week I tried to write a shortish year in review. It didn’t turn out the way I pictured it in my head. The reason for that is what I really wanted to write about was the month of March. I’ve come to refer to March 2010 as the month I ran away. I believe what I want to do is explain myself. Not because people have been asking, or criticizing me for going away, at least not to my face. I want to explain because it was a sort of turning point for me and I think explaining it will help me to truly understand it. So really this is a purely selfish post.

As some of you may or may not know, I left Seattle for twelve days in March. I went so far as to leave the kiddo with my sister and brother in law. The initial thought for this trip came from Hans. I was talking about going away and he encouraged me to do it. So I set it all in motion. I decided to go “home” to Palm Springs for awhile, then head over to Arizona to visit my dear friend Connie.

I was going to drive down by myself and stay with friends. I was nervous about this part of the trip because I’d never made that drive alone before. It turned out to be one of the best parts of the trip. Since January my life had been spinning out of control, with me just barely hanging on. I needed something simple and easy to control for a change instead of dealing with these huge changes. A road trip was perfect. I was finally in control of something manageable again. I could control how fast I went, where I stopped, what I put on the radio; what was even more wonderful, I could be alone with my thoughts. I could feel whatever I wanted without worrying about how it would affect those around me or my son. I believe that’s when I truly started to heal, when I was able to be alone with myself.

I arrived in Redlands to have dinner with my college roommate and her parents feeling better than I had in weeks. I was ready for a week or so of relaxing and healing.

This trip was also when I decided what kind of woman I was going to be. I’m not saying I don’t have a good grasp of who I am. I know what kind of person I am, the thing was, that it had become so tied up with Jordan. Which, I think is ok. He was my husband after all and we’d been together for over five years. It’s not as if he defined me, he just became part of me. Basically, since Jordan was so suddenly gone I felt as if I had no clue as to what that left me with. Did I go back to who I was before we started dating or could I hold onto some things? Or did I want to completely reinvent myself? Would that even be an option? What about dating? When would it be appropriate for me to start seeing new men? How do you date with a young child? These were the questions I was dealing with in Palm Springs; questions I had been asking myself in Seattle but hadn’t been able to answer because of all that was happening around me. To put it in the simplest form, the big question was, what kind of woman/mother are you going to be?

I admit these questions weren’t totally figured out when I returned to Seattle. Every time I found an answer a new question would surface. The nice thing about being away was I could welcome all the questions that came. I didn’t have to ignore them or push them aside.

The last thing Palm Springs did for me was make me feel attractive again. In Seattle I had been nothing but a mother and widow. I was actually complimented in Palm Springs. I was told by actual men that I looked good. I was even ogled once or twice, which mostly made me laugh. It may seem small and insignificant to some. Or it may seem as though all my self worth comes from men’s compliments. It surely does not. All I’m saying is that it’s difficult to go from hearing everyday how gorgeous you are to not hearing it ever. You’d think it would make very little difference, but once it’s gone, you notice.

I think I returned to Seattle, slightly less insane than when I fled. Although it would be months more until I truly started to feel myself again. This was the first step in the journey back to myself.