When I was dating/married to Jordan I knew there was nothing in the world that would make him leave me. I was a catch; attractive, smart, slightly athletic and funny. What’s not to love right? I felt very secure in that relationship. Since I’m not so terribly different now you would think that trend would continue as I start dating again, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
I like my bf a lot, I’d even go so far as to say I love the guy and perhaps that’s my problem. While I’m still the same great woman I was before, the difference is there’s so much more to me, and it’s not all seemingly positive. At least in terms of relationships.
This whole business of being insecure is really irritating to me. I fancy myself a strong, independent woman. I managed to drag myself through last year with it’s many, many downturns and I think I’ve come out on top. So it really irks me that I finally found someone worth falling for and I go all damsel in distress. I’m actually quite disgusted with myself.
It’s as if I have two personalities. The one who’s a smart single mother. Super single mom! Taking on each day in a single bound, doing the grocery shopping, managing finances, writing when there’s time and raising a son! There’s nothing I can’t take on, there’s no problem too big that I can’t make a few calls and solve it. Then there’s this other personality. The shrinking violet personality, who can’t handle anything herself. She falls apart easily. Her negative voice carries and gets stuck in my head. All of her sentences start with ‘but.’
“But you’re a widow.”
“But you have a child.”
“But you’re so old.” (Which is also a quote from a movie, if you can tell me what movie I’ll be impressed.)
Who is this Negative Nancy and where did she come from?!
Here’s the thing, my bf is awesome. He is ridiculously smart, quite handsome, he has a great job and is a generally stable person. Anyone would be lucky to have him, it just so happens he likes me. I can’t help but worry though, that someone similar to me might come along. I fear there may be a Staci doppelganger out there who is also attractive, smart, slightly athletic and funny who will steal him away with shiny facts. Facts like not being four years older, not having a child and not being a widow.
So how do I get over this? I suppose it’s not that simple. It’s not as simple as bf telling me he loves me, not some better woman I made up in my head to be afraid of. It’s something I have to give up to God; let him take it and eventually rub out the “better woman” until I can finally see that the better woman for bf is me. So if you’re the praying type, and I happen to make it into your prayers would you pray that I stop being so insecure? Not just for my sake but for the sake of my poor bf.