California Confusion

I went to my ten year high school reunion at the beginning of November. The strange thing about the ten year is that everyone is still in their cliques and you sort of look around the room judging people; let’s be honest that’s what everyone was doing. You sit there staring at people you  haven’t seen for ten years wondering what the hell happened? But instead of being adults and asking folks about their lives we sat at our respective tables and speculated amongst our friends.

I found the whole thing quite pointless, at least for me and I’ll tell you why. Aside from the folks who live out of state, all the people I saw, and talked to for any adequate amount of time are people I see when I go to California anyway. So why the hell did I spent $45 for a mediocre dinner, one drink and dessert I didn’t even eat? I suppose it was some sort of rite of passage or some such nonsense. The after parties were free and frankly more fun. The thing with California is it’s very confusing for me when I go back. It always has been.

I suppose this has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been in Seattle so long and have become a totally different person. It’s as if I have two separate persona’s; the person I am in Seattle and the person I am in California. They’re not terribly different, I think one is lonelier than the other, but it leaves me wondering which is more genuinely true to who I am? Or are they both who I am and I’m just having a hard meshing the two together, to be an ultimate uber Staci?

Alright, that’s probably not true. Here’s the truth, starting in middle school I desperately wanted to be one of the “cool kids.” Thing is I was and remain to this day a geek. My interests were reading, chatting with friends on IM and Star Wars. Ooohhh, how I love Star Wars, but that’s for another time. At this point in my life I’ve come to realize I am cool and the things I like are cool. It helps that I’m surrounded by people who share these opinions. But back then those things were not cool. I still haven’t figured out what the “cool kids” found fun and interesting. It seemed to me they played sports or were cheerleaders and after practices…who knows what they did. So back to the point.

In California I suppose I still feel like I need to hold on to this idea of being cool and hip, but when I get there with everything I now consider cool I start to second guess myself. Should I have brought Tales of the Bounty Hunters to read or something else? I find I have nothing to talk about besides comics and my zombie story; but that stuff isn’t cool here so what should I pretend to know about. It was truly exhausting. Finally when I went to visit this past March I thought “screw ‘em! I don’t live here, who do I have to impress?” I started talking about Star Wars, zombies, comics and mc chris. It was all ok. It even worked well seeing as how one of my friends was into much of the same stuff as me. We’d just never talked about it before, probably because I was too busy pretending to be a “cool kid.” Oh the times I could have had if only I hadn’t been so insecure! I’d probably be a totally different person now.


2 responses to “California Confusion

  1. I think you are a cool kid, I had a blast seeing you! Thanks for watching me run around half naked too. You rock twitch!

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