Monthly Archives: December 2010

The Holiday Season

Christmas is next week. I’ve always been a fan of Christmas, although as an adult the holidays can be a bit stressful. Even still, I love sending out Christmas cards, baking, shopping, presents and food. All the glorious food! This year is a little different.

Jordan and I had traditions that we’d cultivated from the beginning of our relationship. I’m talking way at the beginning, before we were even engaged. A few that stands out among them are going to the Nutcracker at Pacific Northwest Ballet, and going to see A Christmas Carol at Act Theatre. One of my favorites, that started after we were married, was watching Elf and cutting out paper snowflakes. Needless to say there are no paper snowflakes in my windows this year. Which is a sad thing.

I’ve gotten a few nice cards from folks expressing their concern for me during this time of year. Which, like I said, is nice. The thing is, the cards make me think I should feel sadder than I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here thinking ‘Wow! What a great Christmas this is!’ I am dealing with some sadness. Getting out the Christmas decorations was one of the hardest things I’ve done this year. Putting them up was sort of difficult as well. Decorating my tree was a bit melancholy. Taking Jack to see Santa and shopping was actually a bit more difficult than I anticipated.
However, I’ve been sad and depressed most of the year. I’m honestly tired of being sad. So while I feel like I should be falling apart on an hourly basis, I’m really not.

It helps that I’m dating someone who’s awesome and makes me happy. But I don’t think it’s just that. I started feeling less and less sad as time went on and by the time November hit, I was only having to deal with big bouts of sadness when I’d drink a little too much.

It’s not that I’m over Jordan. It’s that I know he wouldn’t want me to wallow. He’d want me to get out there and live life to the fullest. If there’s one thing that Jordan’s life taught me it’s to embrace each day as if it were your last, because it very well could be. He taught me to love with reckless abandon, to throw myself into the things I’m passionate about and to not give up on myself. He also tried to teach me to love people, which I think I’ve gotten better at.

All this to say, I don’t feel guilty for being happy. I don’t think Jordan is up in heaven looking down on me thinking, ‘Boy I wish she was sadder about this time of year.’ I’m sure he’s up there relieved that I’ve finally got my life back together (for the most part).

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A Vacation

I was going to write a deep and moving blog today. But I’m visiting Jordan’s parents and feeling lazy. So I wrote a bit and it was terribly unfocused.

So I’m not going to write a deep and moving blog today. I’m going to write about nothing. Here’s a list of things I’m missing this weekend by going out of town for five days.

1. The last show The Endeavors will ever do. I’m actually really bummed about this. I love that band and even though I haven’t been to a show in awhile I’m sad to be missing it.

2. Going with friends to the Lights of Christmas in Stanwood.

3. A Christmas cookie making party.

4. A girly sleepover party.

5. A gift exchange with church friends. Which I wasn’t going to go to anyway, but I thought I’d put it on here anyway.

6. Another Christmas party thrown by one of my sissy’s friends.

7. Some church friends coming into town.

8. And a friend from high school coming into town.

This seemed to be a popular weekend to do stuff.

California Confusion

I went to my ten year high school reunion at the beginning of November. The strange thing about the ten year is that everyone is still in their cliques and you sort of look around the room judging people; let’s be honest that’s what everyone was doing. You sit there staring at people you  haven’t seen for ten years wondering what the hell happened? But instead of being adults and asking folks about their lives we sat at our respective tables and speculated amongst our friends.

I found the whole thing quite pointless, at least for me and I’ll tell you why. Aside from the folks who live out of state, all the people I saw, and talked to for any adequate amount of time are people I see when I go to California anyway. So why the hell did I spent $45 for a mediocre dinner, one drink and dessert I didn’t even eat? I suppose it was some sort of rite of passage or some such nonsense. The after parties were free and frankly more fun. The thing with California is it’s very confusing for me when I go back. It always has been.

I suppose this has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been in Seattle so long and have become a totally different person. It’s as if I have two separate persona’s; the person I am in Seattle and the person I am in California. They’re not terribly different, I think one is lonelier than the other, but it leaves me wondering which is more genuinely true to who I am? Or are they both who I am and I’m just having a hard meshing the two together, to be an ultimate uber Staci?

Alright, that’s probably not true. Here’s the truth, starting in middle school I desperately wanted to be one of the “cool kids.” Thing is I was and remain to this day a geek. My interests were reading, chatting with friends on IM and Star Wars. Ooohhh, how I love Star Wars, but that’s for another time. At this point in my life I’ve come to realize I am cool and the things I like are cool. It helps that I’m surrounded by people who share these opinions. But back then those things were not cool. I still haven’t figured out what the “cool kids” found fun and interesting. It seemed to me they played sports or were cheerleaders and after practices…who knows what they did. So back to the point.

In California I suppose I still feel like I need to hold on to this idea of being cool and hip, but when I get there with everything I now consider cool I start to second guess myself. Should I have brought Tales of the Bounty Hunters to read or something else? I find I have nothing to talk about besides comics and my zombie story; but that stuff isn’t cool here so what should I pretend to know about. It was truly exhausting. Finally when I went to visit this past March I thought “screw ‘em! I don’t live here, who do I have to impress?” I started talking about Star Wars, zombies, comics and mc chris. It was all ok. It even worked well seeing as how one of my friends was into much of the same stuff as me. We’d just never talked about it before, probably because I was too busy pretending to be a “cool kid.” Oh the times I could have had if only I hadn’t been so insecure! I’d probably be a totally different person now.