Christmas is next week. I’ve always been a fan of Christmas, although as an adult the holidays can be a bit stressful. Even still, I love sending out Christmas cards, baking, shopping, presents and food. All the glorious food! This year is a little different.
Jordan and I had traditions that we’d cultivated from the beginning of our relationship. I’m talking way at the beginning, before we were even engaged. A few that stands out among them are going to the Nutcracker at Pacific Northwest Ballet, and going to see A Christmas Carol at Act Theatre. One of my favorites, that started after we were married, was watching Elf and cutting out paper snowflakes. Needless to say there are no paper snowflakes in my windows this year. Which is a sad thing.
I’ve gotten a few nice cards from folks expressing their concern for me during this time of year. Which, like I said, is nice. The thing is, the cards make me think I should feel sadder than I do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here thinking ‘Wow! What a great Christmas this is!’ I am dealing with some sadness. Getting out the Christmas decorations was one of the hardest things I’ve done this year. Putting them up was sort of difficult as well. Decorating my tree was a bit melancholy. Taking Jack to see Santa and shopping was actually a bit more difficult than I anticipated.
However, I’ve been sad and depressed most of the year. I’m honestly tired of being sad. So while I feel like I should be falling apart on an hourly basis, I’m really not.
It helps that I’m dating someone who’s awesome and makes me happy. But I don’t think it’s just that. I started feeling less and less sad as time went on and by the time November hit, I was only having to deal with big bouts of sadness when I’d drink a little too much.
It’s not that I’m over Jordan. It’s that I know he wouldn’t want me to wallow. He’d want me to get out there and live life to the fullest. If there’s one thing that Jordan’s life taught me it’s to embrace each day as if it were your last, because it very well could be. He taught me to love with reckless abandon, to throw myself into the things I’m passionate about and to not give up on myself. He also tried to teach me to love people, which I think I’ve gotten better at.
All this to say, I don’t feel guilty for being happy. I don’t think Jordan is up in heaven looking down on me thinking, ‘Boy I wish she was sadder about this time of year.’ I’m sure he’s up there relieved that I’ve finally got my life back together (for the most part).