Believing in God

One thing I have struggled with for a long time is my relationship with God. I suppose if you had to put a label on it, I would be a Christian, but I’m growing increasingly frustrated with the connotations of that label. Mostly because I’m not some crazed, hell fire and brimstone, the world’s going to hell in a hand basket kind of person. I like to think I’m an open minded, loving person; I believe most people would agree.

I think mostly why I’ve struggled with religion and faith and God is because it’s all so convoluted.  It’s pulled apart and taped back together to fit what works for a certain group of people. I try to follow Jesus’ example of life. He got angry, he was tempted and he became frustrated with those around him.  The profound difference between him and other people was his reaction and the fact that he never stopped loving everyone. I wonder if that’s something I can do. I’ve been told my whole life that you don’t have to like everyone, you just have to love them.  I don’t really get that. I never have and I think that’s the shadow that’s always casting itself over my faith.  I understand it in a sense of say, family.  I always love my family even when they do stupid things that piss me off. But at the moment they hurt me or make me angry I don’t like them very much. The love doesn’t go away, I just don’t like them. But I can’t liken that to total strangers. And the fact is, there are some people I don’t want to love.  Does that make me evil or human?  That’s always something I wonder about too.

My diary from High School is riddled with my bi-polar relationship with God.  My ups and downs are excruciating to read.  I see it now and I wonder how I could have been so inconsistent. One entry is rife with repentance and a new found love for a God, a stronger faith, or so it seems.  The next is about a “fucking cool party” where I got “totally fucked up.” The next will relay how I repented in church the following day and repeat the phrases of repentance and the new found discipline I would exercise. It’s embarrassing to read really.  What’s more embarrassing is I know how little of that has actually changed.

I’ve heard that most people’s faith goes through similar peaks and valleys, but you see it so seldom.  You see the two extremes all the time.  The person who’s life is perfect all the time.  Their relationship with God has always been wonderful and easy. And the person’s whose life is compeletly devoid of God or any faith in anything. Maybe if the “perfect people” were honest about their own struggles more often I’d be more apt to believe I’m a good person with bad days and not just a bad person.  But that feeling isn’t their fault. Just because things appear to be fabulously wonderful for them doesn’t mean it is.  It’s me judging by appearances, not bothering to notice the underlying signals, or make the effort to really get to know these “perfect people.” Therein lies the problem and it’s all mine.


2 responses to “Believing in God

  1. hey cash money! i dig your thoughts here. these are things that i think about too, in fact, i was on my way to post in my blog about how i feel about my efforts to “love everyone else” and i remembered that i hadn’t checked yours in a while.

    i think that loving other people is about seeing that common ground between each of us, that God created us, and he loves each of us, no matter what we do. when you take that fact above all else, even if someone does horrible things, or hurts you, there’s a reason to love them…because God does. this doesn’t always make it easy, don’t get me wrong 😉 but it helps me in those situations to remember that fact.

  2. i agree with car here. and i feel like i fit right into that non-existent category you were talking about. my life’s not perfect, and i don’t have everything going perfect for me right now. i’m also not completely void of faith or a belief in God. i’m in between. where exactly i fall in between the two depends on a lot of things.

    and loving people is hard. most of the time life gets in the way of remembering to love. like you said, you always love your family even if they upset you…even when life happens. as far as loving strangers…that’s even harder. car makes a good point on that but i also feel that another part of that is respecting and not judging other. we live in such a judgmental society that has to label everything…usually based on a single experience or even just by looking at someone.

    so while we might not love everyone, i think a good place to start is to recognize that we’re all different but we’re all God’s children. respect the differences between us, because its our differences that make us unique, make us who we are. and then trying, although its never easy, to not judge people.

    i hadn’t read your blog in quite some time so i wanted to leave my thoughts and let you know that i love you. always…even if you do something to “piss me off” 😛

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